remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
