Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
