a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
