You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
