You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
