True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
