i permit you to call me
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
