Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
