i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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