The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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