I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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