Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
