It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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