booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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