so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
