We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
