My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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