I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
