I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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