just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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