tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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