I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
