I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
