Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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