just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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