He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
