I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Randomize
