We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
