I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
