shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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