her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
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