Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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