Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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