We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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