so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
