You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
