the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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