we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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