1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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