I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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