Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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