On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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