Your face is a jimmy john
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize