you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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