Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
