I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
