i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No subtext here. People are naked.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
