So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
