I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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