Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
