i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
