Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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