and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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