so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
