she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
