You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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