I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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