im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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