I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
