She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
