you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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