I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
be right there i have to get my cape
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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